One Last Time

I, The Writer, am sitting in a library, a decent amount of miles from what I once called "home". Ever person I know has said to me, one must be able to have ones own life before they can expand upon others. Though that may be wordy, I find it to be true. And thus, since November of 2007, I have embarked on a journey on finding my own life without depending on others. Are you ready to find what I have discovered? My only roommate I ever had put it best, "Sir, you are bitter." I am bitter. I am a very bitter individual. Though I should be alarmed by this, I had to ask myself, "How have I come to this part of my life?" I then went through my life, looking for examples and reasoning of why I had become this...entity, and I found a common denominator, people. Through tears I had come to realize I have been let down by people, a good chunk of my life. While growing up in the youth group of my own church, in the little town I once called. "home". I came to understand that you cannot depend on other people, for they will let you down. However, once I gathered myself, and became an "adult" and entered college, I took a change of pace and placed my own life in the hands of other people around me. To be hoenst, it was great, for two solid years my life was wonderful, I didn't have to think much, I was just another person and people were there to help. Tell me though, what happens when those people leave? What happens when you have built your kingdom on the cornerstone of other people? I have a simple answer to those questions. Once, the cornerstones are removed, just like with any house, your world, your kingdom will come crashing down, and you will sit amung the rubble and realize, in reality sake, you...have...nothing. It took very difficult times for me to realize this, and a lot of people in my life to leave, for good. My life isn't a movie, I've learned, people leave and they don't come back. There isn't happy endings. Now, because I know of all of this, the knowledge of which I have learned allow me to share something else with you. Yes, this blog, this one specifically is all about myself, The Writer. There are no stories, there are no metaphors, or people I've watched, this is the realization that in less then one year, I'm out, on my own, battling the real world, and real demons that take hold of it each day. I must admit, if you don't know who you are by the end of four years of "higher education", you are screwed, plain and simple. I've come to understand that I don't have a "core group" of friends, I've come to understand that I'm not a person who wonders to different houses throughout the week, being a "politician" in some instances (ironic, considering the Political Science degree). I understand that I am the true definition of a "loner". I have no place I need to be, I have no place where I come from. I walk into my classrooms unknown, and like the breeze I am the first one out. There is not a group that I walk with throughout my own forum. I am my own. I don't stay in one building longer then another. No one place is my favorite, though none of them I hate the most. I walk along the sidewalks of this campus at 4:30 in the afternoon, not knowing where I need to be, not carrying what I'm heading. I live for the moment, for what it's worth, for what is built into it. Most of those "moments" though, are quiet, more of a war in my head. When I get bored, I sleep. I've slept a lot in my new house in this sleepy town. I sit on the edges of my classrooms, I do not desire to draw attention. I do not want to be known by the masses. I do not want to be the center of attention. I've had my spotlight, and I no longer care. I live in a wasteland of corruption, hypocracy, some of which is my own. The air is thick of put downs and those deemed "higher then thou". The ground is dead from the footsteps of the drowning masses walking here and there as robots programed to place doors onto a new car, and nothing else. I'm blinded daily by the fake faces and masks of the next "happy housewife". I don't need to go to Ms. America to see the fake, shiney whites... I can walk across my campus. Sure, I could be a pain in the rear, I could cause problems, I could try to "change" this place. I could make myself feel "uncomfortable" and do something new. Reality is though... I don't care... I write... I sing... I sleep... I do my homework... I do what needs to be done on a daily basis knowing that in less then a year... I... am... free... I will continue to complain about the world around me, I will eat my turkey sandwiches...daily. I'll dream of an alternate world, where things go in my favor, where my attempts to please the masses and the individuals will be noted, and appreciated. I will always tell myself, "Someday, that ship I was told about, it's going to come in." Until then though... I am alone...