Life

I feel real...

That sounds odd, doesn't it?

However it seems true. I've noticed while taking inventory of my life in the past, that I was trapped. I wasn't really living, I was stuck in a moment where I wasn't myself and I was doing things that others wished I would do.

Things have changed...

God has blessed me recently with many opportunities in the upcoming future.

1. God's will of course, but I've been offered an assistant coaching position in the high school I'm currently at (Pleasant Hope). I've taken the offer, we'll see if they would like me on staff there.
2. Many mission opportunities back home, mainly a few camps here and there.
3. There is a possible job opportunity in Nebraska, yes it involves corn, but it pays well and gets me traveling a bit.
4. It's a fun and harsh realization that next semester is my last semester on campus in Bolivar. Next December I'll be moving to Springfield to finish out my student teaching.
5. I have signed up to be a staff leader at a children/youth camp called Kamp Kanakuk next summer, we'll see how the interview goes.
6. Mission opportunity back down in New Orleans next summer, I don't know if God has called me down there, so we'll just wait and see.
7. By the end of the summer of 2009, that's it. It's over, college is done, I'll have a job and by next August I will be teaching in my first classroom.

Life goes fast...

Each day is like a dream...

Who knows what today may hold...

Will write later

Long Weekend

Good morning!

Is God not good!?!? I've been awaking lately in times of peace and a feeling that He is in control. It's a great feeling, how I wish that I was not a flawed human that is subject to turning back on Him. I strive to do my best, but I know that I will have my problems. It feels so great to know that I am redeemed by His grace. I woke up today, 1 1/2 hours earlier then usual, and I was able to meditate, it was wonderful.
Life is beautiful, sure the world outside is cold and dead (we call that winter), but the sun hit my face this morning while I was walking to class and I just knew it was going to be a good day.

I am going home.

I am leaving for home this afternoon, actually I'm going to University of Central Missouri for the evening for something called the "AfterDark Project", please pray for that, I have a feeling that it's going to be insanely awesome! I'll be going straight home after that, spending Thursday doing homework (all of it) and hang with my mentor. Friday I have an appointment with the orthopedic surgeon back home to try, once again, to figure out what's going on with my hip. Saturday at 4:30 am. I'll be leaving for Salem Missouri for a rally race down there with one of my best friends. I'll be there all day, then I'll go back to Gower, church and lunch on Sunday, then I'll be driving from Gower to Springfield for bible study and then another chaotic week begins.

Man I miss the busy life!

God is good!

Will post more later, but now the battery is getting ready to croak.

My Weekend

Howdy,

Ok, no story, no dream, no vision, no daydream, I want to talk about my weekend, starting with Valentines Day all the way to today...yes, for a change I am quite happy with my life.

Wow, where to begin...this is going to be kind of lengthy.

I recently started going to a church down in Springfield, and it's amazing! I mean it blows me away, and I've befriended the College Minister (Matt), and on V-Day he met me at a cafe type place and we talked for 3 hours. I mean I got to spill out everything that was bothering me with life, my confusions, my misunderstandings, my life, all of it, and he listened and just talked me through it. It set alot of peace upon me. I went to the apt down in Springfield to a V-Day party, it was so cool just to chill with all these new people, to realize there is so much more to life then just SBU and the people there. There are people out there that desire to know God and not just accept what is "skin deep", it was so cool. 30 people in the apt, rent-a-cop came over, we gave him cookies and he left, it was so much fun! I got back to my dorm around 1200, I crashed and Friday hit.

Friday itself was really just another day, until the evening. I was supposed to go play poker at one of the guys apt in Bolivar, we got there and played Rock Band from 800-100, it was insane. I did vocals the whole time (yes I was horse the next day), who knew I could hit the notes from Coheed and Cambria (some of you will get that). It was so much fun, in fact after 100 hit we decided to watch Red Dawn, we cracked jokes the whole time through...haha. At the same time I was on my laptop on AIM talking to a person. As we talked through the night I asked how they got to SBU and all and they told me that they couldn't tell me over AIM because it was so lengthy, and asked me if I'd join them for lunch on Saturday to talk it over. I agreed.

I didn't get in bed until 430am Saturday...haha. I got up at 1100, showered, cleaned up, cut my fingernails, and went to lunch at El Rodeo in Bolivar. She picked me up in her truck (yes she drives a truck, and YES it is a manual...) and we went to lunch. Lunch was AMAZING! She looked at me and said, "Tell me about your life, I want to know about you..." so I told her the life...all of it. When I had finished it was her turn. I don't think I've ever had such an amazing lunch before, I mean it was truly amazing. I finally met someone that understood it, that understood what it's like to grow up hard. She finished her story, which was a tough one mind you, and then looked at me and said she still gives thanks to God for getting her to this moment. It was incredible! Someone had such a rough, broken life and yet their desire for Christ continues to grow. This was just Saturday. We left and she dropped me off at the dorm (before you ask why she's driving, my truck had some "issues" and wouldn't start) around 200ish I do believe.

I cleaned my room, did my dishes, everything for the rest of the evening. When she got back online we continued to talk all the way until around 300 Sunday morning. Remember the sunflower story? I want to show you an exert from our conversation that night,

"Its like when you were listening your eyes were piercing through me in a sense that i could feel relief, that i could tell you anything, and i love that, and thank you for that."

She had decided to try the church I had started going to, with that we went to bed to get our 5 hours of sleep, haha. I awoke finally, and got out of bed Sunday morning.

I got to her truck this morning, she looked at me and asked, "Have you had breakfast this morning?" I said, "no", then noted that there were two bottles of juice and two breakfast sandwiches...haha. We got to the church...

...She really liked the church, a lot.

We got back to the dorm so I could get my bowl of Mac & Cheese and get my Daytona 500...haha. Around 615 we left again though and went back to Springfield to the apt from the V-Day party to continue with this event called, "The Truth Project". Incredible! Made my head hurt...haha, again. Finally we got back to campus around 900, she was tired, and I was hurting too.

Got to my dorm, ate 6 hotdogs, tried my truck one last time...it works again, spent some time telling others of my weekend, then sat down to homework, my nightly Kim Possible, and this.

There really is no reason or "moral" to this story I write about my weekend except for a few things:
1. I am happy
2. I smile when I wake up
3. I've lost my spiritual walk these past 2 years
4. I've met someone special, someone unique, someone who "gets it"
5. I might have possibly, and I mean possibly, got a lead on a house in the future after I graduate...that's a huge MIGHT, but I'm praying about it.
6. I've given everything I have to God, and He has truly blessed me
7. I look forward to tomorrow, Tuesday, this whole week
8. I desire my Lord again, what a nice change
9. I've made so many new friends
10. BEHOLD THE POWER OF MY GOD AND HIS LOVE THAT HE SHOWS TO HIS CHILDREN IN THE MIDDLE OF LIFES STORM!

V-Day Special (A Little Late)

Due to my late evening night last night I'm writing in the middle of one of my classes.

Throughout the day yesterday, after dealing with a broken truck and a problem with my bank account, I tended to allow my mind to stray here and there about the ever imposing Valentines Day.

My mother called me at 12:32 am. to wish my happy Valentines Day, I nearly threw up. I wished her the same and let her on her own, and then I started to think about my parents.

They met in 1992 at McDonald's (romantic I know). They married in about a month later, and before I know it there is a very large man in my house who I know nothing about.

However, the story isn't about me trying to figure out Jim and why he was around, the story is more designed around my parents first Valentine's Day.

When they married my parents had nothing, I mean...nothing. Very poor, struggling to make it, mom had just declared bankruptcy, the whole deal. Because of this they didn't have money to spend on each other, this included V-Day. Now, my parents worked night shifts so they would get off somewhere around 1200 am. and 200 am.

To show their love for each other and knowing that they're there for each other my parents would get together after work and drive to Wal-Mart. Inside they would go searching through the Valentine's Day cards and pick out the ones they think that each other would really enjoy. Jim would look for a really cute looking card with lots of writing, hoping it said something sweet. My mother would find a card that was simple yet thoughtful, lacking as many words as possible because Jim struggled with reading. And they would grab those cards and walk over to each other in the isle and show each other the cards. They would laugh over the cards, and finally close them, put them back, and walk out of Wal-Mart hand in hand with a more positive outlook on life.

My mom called me at 12:32 am. to wish my Happy Valentines Day, their first V-Day together was in 1993. She was talking to me with one hand on her cell phone, her other hand was held onto Jim's as they walked out of Wal-Mart together...

Tears of Ice

1:00 a.m, again. I've watched lately as my life has seemed to increase in speed. Time flies, whether you're having fun, or not. I sit here tonight, noting the ice outside, the frozen world around us and the silence that has fallen upon this Missouri town.

And before I know it, my mind begins to slip again...

The man awakens to the sun shining through his window on a January day. Slowly he powers himself out of bed, into the bathroom the hot water runs down his neck and back. A warm reminder that he still is alive. He stands there for what seems eternity until finally he turns off the water and the cool chill of his house rushes into his once utopia of heat. The clothes come on, not an orange, not a glass of coffee, nothing as he grabs his coat and steps out the door.

The coldness of the day bites his face, another reminder of his life that lays before him. The man ignores his car, calls his work and begins to walk. Through the snow he steps, noting the artscape in front of him with the ice carefully placed throughout the trees, allowing them to twinkle in the sun. A gentle breeze and the trees move and creek, a winter equivalent of wind chimes in the summer wind.

He continued down the road, past his town, a "hello" and "good day" to the people as he passed by. The man had made it to the other side of town as the wind began to blow a little sharper, almost as a sign to turn back from what lied ahead.

Up the hill the road lay on, a turn to the left, through the gates the man was welcomed by the stones of the dead. He walked row to row, not because he didn't know why he was there, but because he was trying to stall from what lied ahead. Towards the end he stumbled upon the freshly turned earth, now deep with permafrost, it took him back...

He stood there, tears in his eyes, reciting his poem, his life story, the things that were most dear to him, inbetween words he took deep breaths, holding in the emotions that lie inside. The world was watching him, he couldn't stumble now, he'd come to far...

...the thought of that day shook the man as the breeze awoke him back to reality. "I am not strong enough", he spoke within his mind as he dropped to his knees in the snow. The coldness filled him from toes to head, from mind to soul as he wept over the one he lost. "How am I to continue God? Why did you do this to me? Who am I but a humble servant?", he screamed aloud as the birds fled and the sun shined.

The man slowly collected himself as he stood in front of the stone of the one he loved and in his mind recalled the best gift he ever received from his lover. In the midst of the summer, they were driving across the country side, a wonderful Sunday drive. They parked in front of their newly bought house, a new life, a new family they believed. In her pocket she reached and pulled out a necklace, nothing special in the eyes of the world, just a leather strap and a wooden cross in the middle.

"To you my love, as a reminder of where we stand, and who we serve in our work and in our love. May this remind you each morning as you awake what we have been blessed with, and with this on as you wrap your arms around me at night may you be reminded of what love is.", she spoke as she put the necklace on him.

As the man recalled the memory, he reached into his pocket and out came a worn leather strap and a worn wooden cross. The worn spot on the wood from rubbing it with his thumb as she laid in the hospital those last days. He held onto it, as a tear left his face and dropped onto the wood.

"To you my love, as a reminder of where we stand, and who we serve in our work and in our love. May this remind you each morning as you awake what we have been blessed with, and with this on as you wrap your arms around me at night may you be reminded of what love is.", he spoke softly as he laid the necklace on her stone.

With a sigh and the wiping of the final tears the man arose in the winter wind and began his walk back to his house, to their house, and prayed that it be warmed by the presents of her love.

It's the little things from the ones we love that remind of us of what we have. It's not the fancy rings or the big houses. It's the basic necklaces, the homemade cards, the hand written poems, and the homecooked meals.

It's 1:32 a.m, I find myself shivering because of the mans cold he walked through. I can only hope that we can walk through lives cold and dying moments in hope of a brighter day of basking in the Son.

Sunflower Eyes

As I lie here at night, finding myself wide awake at 2:00 am, my mind begins to wonder from future, to now, from now till the past, noting the changes and challenges of things that everyone must face through life in order to become who they are today.



I began to trail away into another land, a land of flowers all stopping and staring in the same direction, and the child that needed them more then anything.

The time of the sunflowers.

Hot July in Kansas, nothing can really describe the sensation of what it's like. Hot at night, hotter in the day, tea in the afternoon, coffee in the morning. This was a time when parents didn't worry about their kids playing outside in the heat, before SPF was nearly triple digits, when kids went out to have fun.

The boy loved going outside, seeing his friends, discovering new things, and wondering who really did create the railroad tracks by his house. Though none of the boys noticed it, everywhere they turned were flowers, sunflowers to be exact. The nickname of their state held true with each breeze from the south. The flowers and their stalks swayed with each light push of the invisible hand around the boys. However, none of them thought much of the flowers, except one.

He had a secret with the flowers.

As the boys left to go to their homes for the evening, he would walk back into his own. His mother and himself would sit to the meal in the house. The boy talked of his day with his friends, his mother nodded up and down in acceptance of her sons learning. However fear was in her eyes, uncertainty in her voice as she slowly watched the clock chime in at 7, at 8, and finally at 9. By the time 9 had hit the boy had been sent to bed. No air conditioning in the house so he opened his window. The child loved his window, it was his portal to the world outside, his escape. He would sit there on the edge of his bed for hours just watching the outside world pass him by.

The clock struck 10:00 pm.

The silence of the summer night was ended with the slamming of the front door, the dropping of a box and the sound of the bottle hitting the table. The boy knew what was next, the talking escalated as his mother tried to hold her own, but he overpowered her, he raised his voice, she fell to the ground, and the whole time the boy sat in his room staring out the window. As the voices grew louder and the walls started to shake the boy whispered out his window, "Are you there?" The movement of the flowers showed him their attention.

"Hey guys! I've got to be quiet, mommy and daddy are mad again. I don't know why, but someday it's going to end and we'll be a happy family again."

And for the rest of the night the boy would share his stories of the day with his closest friends, his family of flowers for the night. Knowing that the next night they'd be sitting there waiting for him again, waiting for his voice, his stories, his happiness of the simplicity of his life because he knew nothing different.

Eventually the flowers disappeared and the boy cried himself to sleep those lonely nights. The harsh reality of knowing in his mind that nothing last forever. The flowers were gone, there was a empty seat at the table at all times now in the kitchen, the boys world continued to crumble around him.

13 years later the boy found himself talking to another person, a "real friend" and while he was talking and laughing in the summer breeze she looked at him and said, "You have sunflower eyes, they're beautiful, have they always been that way?" The boy swallowed his pride and sat down next to her and began to describe his first friends, his true friends, the flowers that never left during the summers, they protected him from anything bad that happened in his home. Looking in his mirrors today remind him of who was with him in the past.



3:00 am. I'm still sitting here thinking about sleep, yet nothing is coming...who knows...maybe I'll think about sunflowers and that'll put me at rest.

An Incident At A Coffee Shop

The service got out as I found myself traveling to the coffee shop. Through time and coffee I believed that I could wash down and away my thoughts of the recent past. Down the road and to the left, two stoplights, turn right once more...and there it stood.

Starbucks.

A leap of joy hit me as I found security in this strange world. I pulled in, took my keys and walked through the door. The smell of beans and cream, the sound of jazz and laughter fill my head full of thoughts as I walked to the counter.

"What can I get you today?"
"Venti Ice Carmel Macchiato"

As I sat by myself in the chair viewing the road out front I trailed off into a random thought, a "day dream" if you will, and before I knew it, I was already gone...

...As I sat there, with the drink in my hand staring off into the world that waits for me, the chair next to me moved.

"Can I join you?", she asked, "I know this is rather strange, but I felt that I should talk to you. You look lost."

As she spoke I continued to stare, thinking, reflecting, wondering, "How did I wind up here?"

"...name? You're name...What's your name." As I finally heard her voice, "Shawn, my name is Shawn."

"Please to meet you Shawn my name is Summer." As I shook her hand, it was a smooth hand, a long hand, like those ones you would imagine to be a great piano player. I let go suddenly as I noticed that I had held her hand too long, "sorry, I didn't mean to." Her face was already blushing as she said it was ok.

"What is wrong Shawn? I can read your eyes." For some reason a sensation came over me, that it was safe to trust."

"It's a long story..."
"I don't have anything to do today..."

And so I followed through telling the history, the life, why I am here, what I feel, and it just went on.

"I'm sorry I shouldn't really be saying all of this, it just came out...", I tried to appologize.
"It's ok, I understand Shawn, really I do..."

That is when things turned strange and as she put her hand on my heart. "You have been hurt Shawn, you've gone through a lot in life, more then some people do in their lifetime. If you would let me, I want to help..."

I felt for a moment, "What do I do with this?" Finally I said ok and we stood and we left the coffee shop and headed to our vehicles, "Come to my apartment, just follow me, we'll talk more there..."

As I reached for my keys in my pocket and through my cup away, the door opened up and the sun hit my face...

...I'd been sitting there at the Starbucks for 2 hours, as I realized I'd let my mind run away for a while. I put my cup in the trash, said goodbye to the ladies for the day, got into my truck and drove off.

I wonder when I'll meet her, I wonder what her place looks like, I'm curious about the texture of her skin...when will I meet Summer?

Musical Dreams

"It might not be the right time
I might not be the right one
But there's something about us I want to say
Cause there's something between us anyway
I might not be the right one
It might not be the right time
But there's something about us I've got to do
Some kind of secret I will share with you
I need you more than anything in my life
I want you more than anything in my life
I'll miss you more than anyone in my life
I love you more than anyone in my life"
*****************************************
Not really the best poem/lyrics I've ever heard (no those are not my own), yet I read them and the meaning of them are so comforting. I find myself sitting in my chair at night, drinking tea and thinking no more about the past, but more into the future. I see myself in my Tech for Education class (Monday night 430-700) talking to this girl. I look at it, as it slowly and surely turns into a friendship, throughout time as it gets dark at night I walk with this girl to her dorm, to be kind, to show safety, security, and some company. I talk to her, asking her about her life, what she enjoys, the stories of who she is. I only get to do this every Monday because of fear of seeing her too much throughout the week. I stay out of Mellers because she is there, I stand on one side of the court because she is on the other side. I don't talk to her online, facebook, nothing, I just see her and talk on Mondays, and at night I sit back dreaming of more. She continues to laugh in our little class, every so often our eyes meet. A strange sensation comes over me, my friends tell me to not give up, to fight for what is right, what is truth. Each night I desire to say more, yet I remember my actions and words of the past and why I'm in this mess to begin with.Finally a spring night, walking back from class on a Monday, we were talking and laughing, and we stopped outside her dorm as she goes in. She looks at me and begins to walk away, and I hear the voice in my head, "Are you going to lose her again?" And I grab her, which is strange for me to do, I'm not a person big into "touch", but I grab her and bring her close to me. I wrap around her with my arms and hold her close and whisper into her ear, "I need you more than anything in my life. I want you more than anything in my life. I'll miss you more than anyone in my life. I love you more than anyone in my life." And in the moment of silence I kick myself in my head for saying too much, yet she doesn't release, and in the stillness of the night she whispers through a broken voice, "I need you more than anything in my life. I want you more than anything in my life. I'll miss you more than anyone in my life. I love you more than anyone in my life."I look her in the eyes and say, "I'm sorry for my actions of the past, however, I cannot make it without you. I'm not strong enough." Through her voice I hear, "I thought I lost you forever."And in a flash I find myself sitting in my chair, with a hot cup of tea, thinking and waiting, hoping and praying for that warm spring evening to come around.

A Bit More Personal

What a life! I've been around for what? 20 years? Going on 21...I've seen so much, did so much, learned so much, and sadly did my share of hurting also.

You know when they asked him in Chariots of Fire, why he ran, he said he ran because he loved feeling God's pleasure. Well, I'm no track star, or star period at that matter, but I do love to write, and there are many things on my mind about many different things, I am a bit shy though.

I created a blog last semester, I am so sad to say that played a role in one of the darkest moments of my life. I lied, I wrote horrible things, things I wish I could take back, and in the end it cost me dearly. I know in my own life that if could go back and do things all over again, I'm almost positive I would do it all the same...EXCEPT...EXCEPT...from last November to present.

You know I've dealt with death, with destruction, all of that, and it's to the point that I no longer shed tears on things that just go with the process of life. However I do shed tears when I look back at everything I had and cry myself to sleep at night because I know MY ACTIONS and MY THOUGHTS and MY WORDS cost me everything.

Tell me, you 5 people that actually end up reading this, have you ever loved? Have you ever heard the voice of God concerning the one you care the most about? I know that I have.

Let me tell you a story....