Apologies

I must admit that I'm not big into saying, "I'm sorry" for the things that I believe that I haven't done. However, due to information in the past few days, it's been brought to my attention that I owe some "apologies" to some people.

Allow me to also warn that there will be some slight "anger" in some of these words tonight. I have not had the best of weeks and I've been reminded lately why I am, who I am.

Here...we...go!

For those of you who don't know, recently I was involved in a relationship, yes...with a female. A few nights ago she called me early in the evening, which frightened me and caused me to realize "This isn't going to be good". As it turns out, someone, whose name I don't know, nor care to know, came up to her and warned her, stating that I was "manipulative".

I probably should of just brushed it off and gone on with life, and I tried, but later that night it really started to eat at me. And I came up with some thoughts about this. Remember, this came from a person from the university I attend. Emphasis on university and not high school.

1. I obviously have wronged someone in my three years at this university. I have said something wrong, did something wrong, or more then likely hurt one of their friends, or even themselves.

2. I obviously have failed a mission as a Christian that was directed at my campus and my fellow classmates.

3. I obviously have not made it clear how much I despise being involved with drama.

With that said, I'm going to take each one of these thoughts and dive into detail so that those taking notes, know exactly where I'm coming from.

A. My idea of going to college was to be able to start over, plant my true identity as an individual. Find my place in the world, make new friends, and avoid creating enemies. I have made errors, I have created enemies, and I have broken hearts. Understand that none of those things were meant to take place. If I could go back in time I would of gone to another university (Oklahoma University for you note detailed ones), I would of been a recluse, confiding myself to my schoolwork, and my job and not getting involved with the university at all, and finally...I would of avoided all relationships for the same fear I had in high school, being a disappointment and in the end breaking the heart of someone I love. Sadly, the fact is that the past is just that, the past. I've committed all those sins, I've done all that damage, on my own.

To those who became my enemies, to the school I never attended, and to the heart(s) of those that I've broken and haven't mended...I ask for forgiveness.

B. I think of the three things I noted, this one hurts the most. If you haven't caught on yet, I'm a Christian. Plain and simple. I'm up front, I'm sometimes brutally honest, but I refuse to wear masks. I won't do it. I did it in high school, happy and cheerful in the hallways and miserable at home. Just because I'm a Political Science Major doesn't mean I have to act as a politician would in public. To know that someone sees me as "manipulative" shows me something. It shows me that Christ never was shown through my thoughts and my actions. If I had placed Him first, problems such as that would cease to exist.

To Him who has given me a second life. To the One who expects me to shine as a "little Christ"...I ask for forgiveness.

C. Drama. I cannot stand drama, I hated it in high school and I hate it even more in college. It shouldn't exist. It people minded their own business and took care of their own lives, drama wouldn't be an issue.

If I told you, the reader, that I was not manipulative, I would indeed be lying. Please understand that in order to win in high school, to win the trophies and awards for what I did. I didn't have to be the super jock, and I didn't have to be the brains. I had to be persuasive and manipulative. That sounds very harsh, and it is, but I wanted to win. With that said though, allow me to make it very clear...my life is my life, if you are not part of my life, stay out of my business...I cannot tell you how frustrating it is to realize that some people around you just don't want you to be happy. They're "afraid" for other people, when in reality they're just bitter towards myself.

As many of you know, I spend my Sunday's in Springfield, away from Bolivar, away from SBU, and if you have ever wondered why...allow this to show you why. I cannot stand the drama. I put up with drama when I'm teaching/coaching in a high school, I put up with drama at youth camps, mission trips, and youth groups on Sundays and Wednesdays respectively. Drama surrounds me, but it does not have to be part of my life.

To those who seek to steal, kill, and destroy what is left of my life know that even though I may be bitter at the moment, for you...I shall pray for and in the end it shall be...I who asks for forgiveness.

I'm not in the best of moods, I feel like I have been betrayed, and most of all I am troubled by the fact that people cannot come up to my face and discuss their problems with me directly. I've been gossiped about behind my back, some of which took place in my own church, I have been dumped on a voice mail, through text messages, and most recently through a Facebook message. I really don't think I'm that "intimidating" that one would hesitate to say things to my face.

In conclusion, to those who take pride in knowing the things they say are painful to me, congratulations! You win, because as of now, I'm going to withdrawal myself. Withdraw from people on my campus, people in my community, and even people on the Internet. I have tried time and time again to befriend all those who I come in contact with. Each time it falls apart because of something I did, I said, or I thought. If I tend to make so many mistakes I obviously have become a problem in our society. May God judge me for my actions and thoughts, and who knows, maybe someday in a different land, when I have up and left this barren state of mind, things will be different, life will be different. Until then though, I plead with you...

...please do not cause anymore pain to my life.