Frustrations

Life can be frustrating, so I've come to learn.

Like how many people don't want to hear my problems (people wonder why I don't really care)

Like how people expect me to do everything (ever wonder why I won't work for you if you call me)

Like how people tell me I'm smart, but I won't believe it (you wouldn't either if it just got you into arguments constantly)

Like how my parents get upset because I won't talk to them about my life (it happens when your discussions lead to nothing but arguments)

Like how I'm constantly stressed (but there isn't anything to help)

Life can be frustrating

It can be a nailbiting experience. One where you wake up with stomachache because of nerves, only to go to bed shaking because you don't know how tomorrow is going to pan out. Lately life has been a little frustrating.

I'm have a type A personality, that means I like to take charge, I like to lead, I like to be organized, and I don't like to not panic if things are not in their place. I recently got engaged, we now know who has the dominate type A personality, me. Here I am, the male, the man who is getting married, and I'm the one freaking out that we don't have a photographer, or a place for the reception (the wedding is in June by the way, anyone who reads this is invited), and my lovely fiance is stressed also, but with school, since she's still in school. It's chaos, nothing but stress, I don't have a full time job, I don't even have my degree yet, and I feel like a pathetic loser because of it.
I saw an old friend of mine on Facebook today...she has become a model.
Enough said...
I'm stuck in my parents house until I get married by the looks of things, don't worry though, they want me to live realistically, so their charging me rent.
My body is disgusting, my stomach is not flat, it sticks out...my workouts start tomorrow so I hope to have that fixed soon. Don't worry, I don't have an eating disorder or anything, trust me, my stomach shows that.
I know it is shallow, and therefore this thought is probably wrong, but I want to look hot. I'm a redhead for crying out loud, we're naturally born ugly, it's called being Irish. I want to walk around with my pants loose because my waist is too small. I want Ken and I to be one hot couple (Ken is a girl, don't worry, she is my fiance).
Her mother took some photos of us one day, about a week after the engagement. I looked through those photos and I got so depressed, I could see my stomach hanging over my belt, it was so bad, so wrong, I'm so ashamed. 6:00 am I'll be up and outside, running, situps, pushups, and painkillers. My body hurts everyday, my feet constantly hurt. Don't worry though, my step-dads insurance company dropped me, so I have no health insurance. I'm going to another town tomorrow to talk to my life insurance man about health insurance, my parents want nothing to do with me, so it's going to be expensive. I wish I understood them, I wish they showed compassion, not just, "This is a good experience for you", it hasn't been. Honestly, I was capable of so much, and my parents decided not to direct me in anything...and as shallow as it may be, I blame a lot of my failures on them as poor parents, and it'll stay like that. That's a horrific thought, but it is true. If they don't want me around, I wish they'd just tell me so I can pack up my stuff, and just leave. I'm ready to leave, I'm ready for change, I'm ready for anything. I'm ready for things to start looking up for a change.
Facebook is depressing. I get on there, reading my friends status's:
"John loves his new house"
"Rachel is going to the beach in her new jeep"
"Kris has her first game today as head coach"
"Jo is heading to Texas for soccer"
"Ken loves the Grand Canyon"

My status:
"Shawn is..."
"Shawn is..."
"Shawn is..."
"..."
"..."
"..."
"Shawn is sick and tired of being in a town of 1300 people where he is constantly asked why he isn't teaching, he is sick of having parents that don't give a rip, he is sick and tired of hurting his fiance through arguments, he is tired of looking in the mirror and being disappointed, he is tired of his friends having all the money and him scrapping for survival while his parents make him pay rent, he hates being at Subway making sandwiches, he hates working the same shift every single day, he is sick of a being a disappointment, he is sick of not being successful, he is tired of helping others achieve great things only to have nothing to show for himself, he hates the fact that his truck is soon to die, he hates that he isn't playing soccer, coaching soccer, nothing, he hates how every girl he dated that dumped him, did it via text messaging because they had no spines, he hates how he feels out classed by his fiances family, even though he is. Shawn hates that he is from a trailer park, his dad has forgotten about him, his parents don't care about him, he pisses off everything, he irritated a whole church body, he made a university hate him, he created a town to not trust him, he nearly ripped apart a family that wasn't even his own, he has created so much damage, hurt so many people, and no one stops him. Shawn is sick of being his own worst enemy."
"Shawn is hurt."
"Shawn is crying."
"Shawn is crying for someone to hold him."
"Shawn is alone."
"Shawn has driven everyone away that cared."
"Shawn is the prodical son, except no one will take him back."
"Shawn is a number, a statistic, another face."
"Shawn is a bleak future."
"Shawn is a stain."
"Shawn is depressed."
"Shawn is gone."
"Shawn is..."
"Shawn is..."
"Shawn is..."
"..."
"..."
"..."
"..."

...end of transmission...